tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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