i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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