The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
