You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
