she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
