I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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