So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
