oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
