Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
