You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
