I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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