I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
