Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
