i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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