Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
