You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
