I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
