Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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