On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
