Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
