Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
