The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
