very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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