So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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