i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
