I faked an abortion last night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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