i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
