everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
