All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
