Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
