He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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