Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
