goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i believe in u and ur pee
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
