she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
