It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
