I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
