I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He passed out mid-signature
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
