when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
