Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
