I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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