There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
