DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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