i may or may not be watching the land before time
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
