You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
