Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
