WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
