If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
