I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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