Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
