either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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