were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There's always time for handjobs
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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