i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
