life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
