i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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