I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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