I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I love having hate sex.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
